How to Write a Memoir (or How to Avoid Spending Tons of Money on a Therapist)

I worked almost forty years as a psychiatric nurse, spending the last twenty-plus years as a psychiatric nurse practitioner. My father was a Marine captured on Wake Island during WWII and served four years as a Prisoner of War in China and Japan. I married an Air Force fighter pilot and lived all over the United States, moving every three to four years. I spent ten years working with veterans, Navy Seals, Marines, Code Talkers, and one glider pilot who had landed at Normandy. All of this–I could write a book! Yes! I could write about my father, my mother, about resiliency. What a great idea! I had a story to tell and assumed I could pump it out in about a year.

What a joke.

Here are some lessons I’ve learned about writing a memoir.

Writing Is a Long, Slow, Painful Process

My advice to everyone who’s had a similar notion about writing one’s life story: Begin with saying to yourself, “I am a writer.” Own it. Share it. And then cut yourself a break right up front and remind yourself that writing is a long, slow, painful process. It’s one thing to have an interesting life and even think you have something valuable to say. It’s quite another thing to get it down on paper and make it the best story you can write. . .one that makes sense, that turns the reader contemplative, wondering what life is really about. Most people don’t care whether you are interesting or not; they want to know how your life can help them make sense of things and give them insights they never had before.

Find a Writers’ Group

Regardless of what you are writing, find a writers’ group and stay with it. You may not like everything you hear; you may find one member annoying or one member refusing to accept feedback. But to workshop even just a paragraph or a short segment is an invaluable step of the writing process. Put your work out there; you are a writer! Before long you will find your tribe. You need all different kinds of writers in your tribe to get all different kinds of feedback. Then, take their advice or leave it, but have an open mind. Process it and see what works and what doesn’t work. . .for YOU. It’s your story.

Organizing Your Work

I wish I had written an outline. I did not. I began writing segments that seemed logical to me but, when put together, became a jigsaw puzzle. An outline would have given me more structure and would have made moving documents sequentially so much easier. Some writers print the whole manuscript and string it up on a clothesline in their living room trying to figure out how to order it. Having said that, if you choose to write an outline, consider how you will organize it on your computer or in a notebook. Are you computer savvy? If not, take a Microsoft Word class or hire a computer geek to give you a few lessons. I bought Scrivener, which has some great capabilities, but I was too late; I was too far along in the process to make it work. Maybe on the next project!

Because I did not use an outline, I had difficulty figuring out how to order my project. Do I have some flashbacks? Do I jump ahead in my life? Do I jump back and forth? I ultimately decided to put it in chronological order for my first draft. I also selected a beta reader to go through it, ask questions, point out discrepancies, and give me overall feedback about the work so far. As of this moment, I am still in the process of putting my draft into a logical sequence. My goal is to get this draft to my beta reader by the end of summer. The original goal, however, was March 2019.

Research Is Part of the Writing Process

Never underestimate how much research you may have to do, and do it up front. I spent hours researching WWII, the Pacific, and the Prisoner of War camps in Japan. Then, I spent hours sifting through information, trying to figure out what was going on at that same time at home—when my mother had no idea where or how my father was. I have some family letters, but they are limited. Research is invaluable and, of course, keep track of it!!

This Is Your Story

Know going in that your family, your friends, your children, or your spouse may not find your story to be exactly as they remember it. Oh, well. Like I said, it is YOUR story. YOUR perceptions. So, Relax. But you might want to make a note up front stating that exact thing: This is my story. Want to write your version? Feel free.

Find Time to Write and to Read

Finally, find time to write and to read. You cannot be a good writer if you do not read. I try to write one day a week, but it is not nearly enough. I need to write at least three days a week to see this project to completion. It is difficult to write about suffering and courage, though, because both came with sacrifice. My parents are both deceased, and I question how they would want to be portrayed. Am I getting it right? Those questions are emotionally draining, but I feel strongly that this is my story and my truth. The words need to be correct, and that is hard work. Prepare yourself to work hard, to eliminate distractions. When it is your time to write, it is your time to write. Sacred time. Yes, selfish time. Everything you do is a matter of choice. Be aware of your choices. Be aware of your goals. Write them down. Measure your outcomes. Reevaluate. Set a new goal. Just put your bum in the chair and write. I think Stephen King said that. His book, I know, is cheaper than a therapist.  

About the Author: Maeleen Thorius

Maeleen Thorius started writing her memoir–which is, in part, her father’s story–in May 2015, never imagining she’d still be working on it four years later. She has learned so much about writing through this process; it’s been invigorating, emotional, and well worth it.